Falling apart

So once again I haven’t updated this for ages but I guess its like a diary and its only when things build up do I have something to write.

Recently I have hit breaking point of what else can possibly go wrong with me.  Since starting Mepo injections I have had better control of my asthma (well no hospital admissions and I can control it better at home on my own),  but the side effects just seem to continue to get worse. The tiredness is unbelievable, its like complete exhaustion has hit me for a week after. This time the sickness was bad for a week after but stupidly I was being sick but didn’t take any extra steroids so ended up in a steroid crisis. Anyone that has been through this will know how horrid it makes you feel. Also I have horrible heart palpitations from the injections which are horrible and make me feel anxious and lightheaded at times.   This week has been pretty much wasted as I have achieved nothing apart from walk the dogs a couple of times.

My health is definitely having a real impact on my life, at home I am tired and grouchy and don’t feel the desire to do anything, at home I struggle to get out of bed everyday just to function basically. Even the simplest tasks seem impossible and take up more energy than you would ever believe. How would thinking having a shower would make you fall asleep after! I am not sure if I am actually depressed or just really frustrated by my limitations. I don’t feel sad, I don’t really feel anything as I am to bloody tired!

Everyone knows how much I love my job but its getting tougher to manage and I don’t know how to make it better. I let people down on a daily basis, my brain doesn’t seem to function properly and some days just doing simple tasks is a nightmare. I used to be so good at multi-tasking but now just the thought of it makes me panic. The problem is people are so used to me saying yes I will do it but in reality I then end up with a million things to do and then get in a panic about doing them which is where I am now!! I have a million and one things to do and no idea where to start. I spend hours just looking at bits of paper and not getting anywhere.

I have some amazing people around me, and I am very lucky to still have them as I am such a rubbish person in keeping in touch and letting people down. I have the dogs who make me smile everyday and make me get out of bed as they need me.

I don’t know what the future holds but all I do know is that I feel like my health is becoming a full-time job to manage just to basically function. I am awaiting some consultant appointments to see if there is anything they can suggest. I feel like I have lost some of my support networks in the medical field as I am looked after by a hospital far away, I would only go to my local if I was acutely unwell and whereas this situation is better I then have lost those support services. I feel a bit daft ringing them when I am not acutely unwell.

So do I have a plan, NO, I guess to plod as long as I can and do what I can.

Christmas!!

So i am rubbish at updating my blog and i dont even know if i can be bothered anymore but today i feel like it, not because i want people to read it but its my little diary!

Lots has been going on, some good, some not so good!

Bella has very much settled in and although she is so naughty she really is a gift from heaven, she makes me get up in the morning and having her to look after (as well as the boys) gives me a purpose when everything else seems so rubbish!!

The three of them are so entertaining!! Bella is destroying everything but hopefully she will settles down!!

So this will be the second christmas without grandad and as i sit here watching shrek i remember how much he loved this film! I miss him everyday and they say it gets easier but to be honest i think its more that you just learn to live with it!! Grandad is still so much in the house, his stuff is everywhere and thats just how we want it!! He is even in the tree this year!!

I absolutely hate Christmas it just reminds me of all the people that arent here and i cant help feel really jealous when people have big family christmas’s, im working this Christmas but then i feel bad that pete will be on his own (but he is not going to see his friend) , sometimes i feel like we only have each other!!! Its so sad that since grandad passed away some people seem to forget that we exist, i know its a two way thing and i am determined to make more of an effort to maintain contact and subsequently as i feel sometimes we could really do with more support. My aim is to sort this asap and make more of an effort!!

I am lucky i have some really close friends who do way more than they should have to! They are there for us no matter when!! These are the things i am trually grateful for!

Health wise well thats a bit rubbush!! I started mepo injections and for the first few months things were good but the last month things have been terrible, i have been back and forth to southampton, see my gp far to much and we dont have much of a plan!! My lungs are just worn out i think! Not helped by the fact the medication i take for my lungs is affecting me in lots of other ways!! Everything is exhausting, i dont sleep because of the high dose steroids which makes day time hard!! My lungs hurt all the time and the feeling of breathlessness is horribel! Lets just say life is a struggle and few weeks ago i had resigned myself to thinking whats the point but the lovely people around me gave me a little kick up the bum and im now in a better place mentally, i am trying my hardest to manage symptons with various medications including nebulisers etc! I think the difficult thing is that i was managing so well and life felt so normal that now things are not good i need to get on top of dealing with it again!! I have been here before and at least im not in hospital constantly (although i think that is my stubbornness). Anyway im hoping southampton respiratory and gastro team are going to come up with something very soon!!

I think in the new year i need to make some decisions but lets get Christmas over with first! The presents are wrapped and everything is ready so thats a good thing!

So this blog has been a bit negative but i have lots of positive things as well so its not all bad!!

Positive thing=

My amazing brother who is also my best friend, i would not get through anything without him!

Kate my best friend who is amazing and always there with good staight talking advice!!

Gill and Brian who are always their for us no mattet what

Amazing friends at work who generally care about me, they arent just colleagues they are true friends

3 beautiful puppies!

A job that i love (although i find it really hard at the moment), i wont give up as at times it is the only thing that keeps me going

I am also grateful for the simple things in life such as a house and the basic things we need.

I dont have loads of family or friends and sometimes that makes me sad but i do know i can rely on those around me if needed. I hate the way my illness effects me as all i really do is work, come home and not want to move of the sofa but those around me understand!!

Anyway considering i couldnt be bothered to update this at the beginning i have written loads!!

Well if you managed to read to the end and you managed to make sense of my waffling, well done!!

Merry christmas to everyone and a hapoy new year!

Long over due update!!

So i havent updated this is ages, life has just been so busy. Anyway i going to try and update it more regularly, not because i want people to read it but just so i can get things of my chest.So life has been busy, we finally sorted out grandads estate and the mortgage so now we are officially home owners. We can move on with life a little bit and most importantly leave people behind that have let us down. Time to concentrate on important people and focus energy on what matters.Grandads safeguarding is now closed and it was not pretty reading, i feel like i let him down but thats something i will have to live with!, he was let down by professionals who should of looked after him. I cant go into it but in time i am going to make sure everyone knows the story!So pete is busy decorating the house which is a big job, the biggest change is we are moving rooms! I have moved into grandads room and it feels so strange, i hardly sleep anyway but since moving in here sleeping is even worse, i will get used to it. Pete will move into my old room once its all done. He has done an amazing job and i so proud of him.Another important change is we have a puppy called bella!!She is so naughty but we love her. She is only 4 months old so she is still very much a puppy!! I know it sounds silly but she really is a gift from heaven, its like she was sent to us. Since she has moved in i feel like i have a purpose other than just work!! She makes me get home on time and rather than doing hours of extra work at home she takes up my time! I cant explain how much i love her even when she is biting me and chewing everything up!!So life is ploding along, work is work and i cant really say much else. I am in the middle if a job change and i hope it is going to work out! If not then time for a change, one thing i have learnt in the last year or so is life is to short to be unhappy doing something!.Healthwise things are ok, one big thing is that i have started mepolizumab injections.Mepolizumab (trade name Nucala) is a humanized monoclonal antibody used for the treatment of severe eosinophilic asthma. It recognizes and blocks interleukin-5 (IL-5), a signalling protein of the immune systemThese injections are every 4 weeks and you have to stay on them for a year to see if it work and the they discuss if it is working. Pete has been taking me to southamton and waiting for hours whe i have the injection and wait around after, he is amazing and i dont know where i would be without him I had my third injection on Friday and although my lungs are reasonable and i think it is making a difference however the side effects are rubbish, it seems the more injections i have the worse the side effects. Last month i ended up with a very fast heart rate, its not all the time its a few times a day and then settlles down, although they are not sure it is related it makes me feel horrible and a few times i have been so dizzy i feel like i could faint! They have suggested i reduce down on theophyllin so will try that and see if it helps. The other side effects are headaches and my body aches to the point i could cry!! Tonight is horrendous, every bone in my body hearts, my head is pounding and i feel sick. I know its just side effects and they will go away over time and its worth it if it helps in the long run but in the short term im not so sure!Anyway thats about it for now!!

Horrible few weeks!!

So i havent updated this is ages but today i really need a rant!Lets just say life is not going to plan at the moment, our mortgage nightmare continues and it seems one step forward and three steps back! I know we will get there but i just want it over and done with.So on top of all that my lungs have chosen to throw a wobbly for about the last few weeks. I am so lucky to have such a fab medical team but there is only so much they can offer. It seems i have yet another bug in my lungs and after taking nunerous amounts of antibiotics we are hoping we have found the right ones. I am not sure how i have been continuing to go on with life,, work etc but today it has finaly broken me, so on the sofa i have been glued and even walking to the loo is an effort. I am doing everything i can at home, increased steroids (which i am gutted about as i have just got down to the lowest dose ever), my nebuliser feels like it is on all day , 2 lots of antibiotics, antihistamines and all the other drugs i can throw at me. I am hoping things turn a corner quickly otherwise i will have no choice but to take up residence in our very nice local hospital!!After a long chat with my respiratory nurse last week (who is amazing) she has discussed with my consultant and i have another appointment with him next week. He thinks i have either a sinus problem kicking things of or i am aspirating again which is very annoying as the surgery i had a few years ago should of stopped that. I hate to say but i suspect he is right as i have the most horrific reflux all the time. Anyway we will see. Its really difficult as i am seen by two hospitals and my local only see me when i am poorly and for a yearly checkup and southampton dont have much more to offer at the moment.Anyway i know this is just a blip and we have been here many times but when breathing makes you exhausted its not just physically tiring but im emotional from 60mg steroids etc!! Also the pain in my chest is horrific where breathing is hard work so got to keep on top of the pain to make these lungs do there bloody job!!I have so many lovely people around me and i am so grateful for all there support and i am hoping a couple fo days of doing nothing will get things sorted!Anyway enough whinging from me, i have my two lovely boys looking after me!!

MY GRANDAD!!

So I havent updated this since Janauary, I have no idea why not i guess life has just gone on! Everything was fine until February and since then it has been horrible!!

In February me and my best friend went to Gran Canaria and were having the most amazing holiday until the Thursday when i had  a phone call to say Grandads care alarm had gone off! I wasn’t to worried as he often pressed it by accident however this time it was no accident, he has fallen in the shed whilst going to the toilet. Luckily Gill and Brian (who have been our rocks) were quickly over to him and called an ambulance as he could not move. Pete also rushed home from work and lets just say he was amazing. I was thousands of miles away and felt so hopeless! We managed to book a  flight but couldnt fly until Saturday Night. Brian and Pete went with granddad to the hospital and it quickly became apparent that granddad had broke his hip and needed an operation. Pete stayed with grandad and took over everything, keeping me in touch on the phone. Grandad had the operation on the Friday morning and developed a chest infection after, i returned home Sunday morning and at 10am that morning i finally got to see him, he didn’t look well at all and in my mind at that point i didn’t think he would make it. However he proved us wrong and during the week he got stronger, one of us was there every day to help him with his lunch, supper and spend as much time with him as we could. he was so confused from the surgery but he got better and was just like his old self.  Gil and Brian visited very day and im sure that helped him feel better. We cannot thank them enough. During the week he managed to walk a few steps and was doing so much better. We started to get the house ready for him to come home as we both promised him we would get him home. We moved his bed downstairs and got him a new chair etc. We discussed at length with doctors that we planned to bring him home and we were going to change our hours at work to look after him 24 hours a day. Pete turned into an amazing carer and he was doing things i never thought he would! Anyway on the Saturday we had a phone call to say he was being moved to mistrust for rehabilitation, no matter how much i argued that that was not in his best interest and that he would be better either coming home going to care home for a couple of weeks, however it seemed it was already decided. I asked the hospital to wait until i got there for him to be moved as he would be confused about it all. Well that never happened.  When I arrived he was already being put into a chair, he had no idea what was happening. He was not packed to leave, and his medications were not ready. I was so angry anyway we he went in the ambulance and i drove behind. During his time at Midhurst he was able to walk a few steps and seem to be making some progress. It all started to go wrong on the Wednesday of that week when  we mentioned that his stomach was swollen, and he was complaining of pain, he said he wasn’t going to the toilet properly. His ankles were also swollen he didn’t feel well, we told a nurse but nothing was done, Pete mentioned it again on the Thursday as his  stomach was even more swollen, he looked 9 months pregnant!!! nothing was done until the Friday. On the friday we arrived for visiting times to find him having a bag packed by his side. One of the HCA’s said ‘You do know he is going to st Richards as I noticed that his stomach is swollen and the doctor thinks he has a blocked bowel’ This is bizarre as we had been telling staff for three days that his stomach was swollen! No one could explain why we had not been contacted and informed. I was so angry but granddad was my priority and i just wanted him out there. he was treated with no dignity and respect and i could list loads of things that were wrong!

Once we arrived at st Richards grandad was taken care of quickly and he was seen by a surgeon who thought he was just very constipated and they could get on top of things, we left him in good spirits and reassure him we would be back first thing in the morning. I will treasure that kiss i gave him forever. We both came home and some food and then about 11.30 i said to Pete i am going to call the hospital and see how he is, i rang and finally got  through and was told they had moved him to a ward and that the staff were just with him, they asked me to call back in 10 minutes, i gave them 20 minutes as i know how busy hospitals are, before i had chance the phone rang and  a doctor said we needed to go to the hospital ‘i knew deep down that he was either dying or had passed away,’ not that i told Pete that! We arrived at the hospital and went to the ward as soon as i walked i knew, he had suffered a cardiac arrest and there was nothing they could do! At that point my world fell apart, i held Pete so tight. We saw him and he looked peaceful, no pain, no confusion just peace! He looked like he had just fallen asleep. at 1 am we left the hospital and only phoned a couple of people as felt it unfair to wake loads of people us. We came home and my best friend came round and i can never thank her enough for just being there. We had no sleep that night and as the sun came up we realised we had to let people know! The next few day passed in a blur and we put granddads things back in his room from downstairs, Everything in his room is still there now, we haven’t thrown anything away, i know the time will come but its not yet. If you walked in to the house now you would of thought he was still here!!

We planned grandads funeral and wanted him to have a funeral he would be proud of, the one thing we always promised was that we would bring him home to see this dogs who he spoke about every day! We brought him home in his coffin and the puppies went to say good bye! We had two little statues of the dogs made and then went with him in the coffin and sat on his grave! Granddad had a beautiful funeral, he was carried in by members of our extended family and my uncle derek made him a beautiful cross with his name , i can never thankyou enough.  i hope a send of he would of been proud of. I managed to read this poem and me and Pete meant every single word of it!

 

A Golden heart stopped beating,

Hard working hands at rest,

It broken our hearts to see you go,

God only takes the best.

They say that memories are golden,

Well maybe that is true,

But we never wanted memories,

We only wanted you.

Your life was love and labour,

Your love for your family true,

You did your best for all of us,

We will always remember you.

We sat beside your bedside,

Our hearts were crushed and sore,

We did our duty to the end,

Til’ we could do no more.

In tears we watched you sinking,

We watched you fade away,

And though our hearts were breaking,

We knew you could not stay.

Our lips cannot speak how we loved you,

Our hearts cannot tell what to say,

But god only knows how we miss you,

In our home that is lonely today.

In the few days following his death We both decided that we needed answers about the care he received and how this all happened so a complaint letter was sent, our complaint was raised as a serious incident and we attended a few meetings with the team at Midhurst and serious complaints officer, well well last week we had the final meeting  and lets just say the report is heart breaking, he was neglected in many ways and not given the care he should of recieved. If only they had listed to us things could of been so different! I cant say to much until we have heard from the CCG and we get a very final report. The meeting broke my heart all over again and i will never forgive myself for not pushing them further and getting him the care he deserved! The only good thing is the hospital is currently closed so no one else can be neglected this bad! ill etc.

Since granadad died we have had to sort out all the financial stuff! In the beginning it was just the bills etc which were easy as we were paying most of them anyway so it was just a name change. Then it came to will!! Well all i can say is that the thought of money changes people. Officially Myself and Pete have 5 years to stay in the house and then either have to sell it or buy the other 2 parties out! Well lets just say one party wants it sorted now so we are currently going through the process of getting a mortgage etc. Once its done i will be able to sleep at night, I cant say to much but i am angry with it all, very angry and hurt at the same time. We will get there i know!

So 23 week later  i miss him so much and i sit at home or go and sit in his room and just sob! Life goes on but that is a part of me that never will!

During the last 23 weeks i wouldn’t of got through it without Pete, we are there for each other and i know we will get through this together. I also want to that Gill and Brian for everything they have been amazing. Kate, My best friend who i wouldn’t cope without, she is always there for us! Thank you Richard my little brother for being so brilliant.  I also want to thank every single person that has helped us, whether you have helped with the dogs, helped us sort thing out, phoned or text or just been there, we wouldn’t of got through this without you.

I am hoping over the next few weeks we get the mortgage sorted and then me and Pete can move on and not have this hanging over us! I know Grandad would hate what is happening but i hope he would be proud of how we are handling it all.

I feel like i am juggling a million things at the moment and it will only take one more thing to make me fall apart. We will get the final report from Grandads complaint soon and then we can decide if we wish to take any further action.

Oh well that turned in to a long blog post but i do fill a bit better writing it!

 

New year!

Can’t believe I haven’t updated this for a year, life has been so busy and so much has happened, some good things and other bad!

Health wise things are still the same, I have less hospital admissions which is fab but still take far to much medication for my liking!! Steroids are the drug of the devil, they are ruining my body but without them I can’t breath!! I am hoping in January that Southampton will be able me a new drug but we will see! I’m sure people look at me and think ‘what’s the problem, you look fine’ and they are absolutely fine but to be like that I have to follow a strict routine of nebulisers and medication, what people don’t see Is me spending days where moving of the sofa is a struggle! I also have horrible back and joint pain and I am slightly worried that my bones are being affected by the steroid use, I really need to make a gp appointment but I am not sure if he will suggest anything!

I am really missing the support of the hospital respiratory nurse she was such an amazing support but she is current,y of so I am slightly in limbo, my go don’t like touching my meds etc, I rarely see my local consultant and Southampton will occasionally try something new. Don’t get me wrong I am very much appreciative of the nhs, they have saved my life many times!

Well that’s enough about my rubbish body, one thing that is driving me mad at the moment is insomnia, I feel like I never sleep, which would explain why I am writing this at 2am!!, in 4 hours I have to be at work! It’s crazy I have about 2 hours sleep a night!!!

So home is fine. Grandad is more frail but he is ok, we manage between me and Pete. Pete is doing well,! Sadly peter lost his best friend this year which was a massive shock and I think it had upset him more than he is letting on. Because of this we have adopted bailey the dog. We now have two running around and I love them, they give you a reason to get up in the morining and give me hours of entertainment!!

Work is good, I work with a lovely team, I have to admit I am finding it tough and it exhausts me but I am determined to keep going, I fee, like all I do is work and then spend the rest of the time on the sofa as I am exhausted! I started my access to nursing course last year, as I dream one day of doing my nurse training, however it’s been a tough few months and I just could concentrate on it so I have taken a little break and will start again in March!!

So all in all 2017 has been ok, lots happened but it all worked out ok in the end, I still have amazing people around me and life is plodding along.

2018, is a new year, new start and chance to write a new chapter in my book, whatever is ahead I am sure we will deal with it as we always do.

I intend to update this blog more regularly in 2018, I also plan to use this to raise awareness of lung disease!

Not impressed!!!

So my last post i was still in hospital but desperate to go home!! Well that lasted a whole two weeks and i am back in again!! Things werent going well at home but manageable!! Then on friday i went to see respiratory nurse and she sent me to amu which was a disaster!!! They left me sittubg around for ages and finally when i was seen they said that i could do everything they were going to.do at home!! So of home i went and by the nect morning things were much worse so pete took me to a and e where i ended up in resus before going back to amu! Resus were amazing and did loads but amu were pretty much useless as they are so busy! The iv aminophyllin was so supposed to start on was stopped and started at random times which didnt help!! So last night i am thankful to say that i got moved to ashling ward who are amazing. I am now on proper dose of aminophyllin and proper strength nebs so i am feeling better already x today i.am just so grumpy so luckily i.am in a side room where i can be grumpy.on my own! Luckily my best friend brought me supplies last night so that will help!!! 

Its funny how you can be surrounded by a hundred people but still feel so alone!! 

Im thinking i have lits of thinking to do but then thats not alwaya a good thing!! 

slight overuse of nebs!!!

My best friend with supplies!! 

More bloody bruises!! 

Oh well enough whinging!!! 

Need to get home!!

 so i am still in hospital and feeling loads better, i just need to get out of here now! today i was supposed to go home but the doctors didnt think i was well enough even though i am fine, thats the problem when they look at numbers and unfortunately my numbers are never good! I thought the respiratory nurse might be able to help me escape but no chance! so just got to sit it out until tomorrow and fingers crossed as it is a consultant ward round and they are more willing to take a risk! i honestly feel so much better and i just need to get home now even if i take it easy for few days! 

I think the realisation of the last week is hitting hard and i feel quite tearful about it all. i know once i am home and back into normality things will be fine!! i have to get on with life and live it to the full as you never know what is around the corner, thats one thing i do know!! 

Thankful for life

I cant believe i havent updated this since september, so much has happened and life has been so busy with one thing and another!! Everything has been plodding along until wednesday and things went wrong big time as a result  i am typing this from my hospital bed so as you can imagine i am not impressed. things had been brewing for a few weeks but i was ignoring it as i had so much to do!  on wednesday things turned from bad to worse  to disasterous!! i actually went to see my gp and saw someone that didnt know me so he gave me extra steroids and just said go to a and e if no better later, i thoughy maybe i was over reacting as he was very calm about it all!! well within an hour i went back to work and i think my work collegues saved my life by making me go to and e. my sats went from excellent to ok to 77 very quickly. i spent ages in resus and they did there bit with loads of nebs, o2,magnesium and steroids, i was then  referred to the medics who were pretty useless and left everythig in thr hope that things would settle, i was moved to the respiratory ward from resus so luckily no amu as i think i would of got worse there. well as soon as i arrived on the respiratory ward (who know me well) the ward sister took one look at me and i could see from her look that things were bad. i actually dont remember much apart from thinking i was going to die as i couldnt catch my breath! i remember holding the ward sisters hand so tightly as it was the only connection with the real world as i was so exhausted just breathing. the whole team were amazing and the doctors and nurses did there magic, im not sure how many doctors i saw but definetly to many, itu were called and i was put on optiflow breathing machine to help with the effort of breathing, along with lots of iv medications. they even managed to put a catheter in so i must of been out of it as i would never allow them to that if i was alert! i remember the itu doctors saying we need to take you up stairs but i kept saying no! my mum died in itu and i just cant bare it. it was decided to give it a bit longer and let me stay where i know people. i cant thank the ward staff enough for letting me stay on this ward as i know how busy they are. so all  that was wednesday, up until friday i think i was mostly asleep and couldnt even be bothered to find my phone ( which is unheard of) today i feel much better with just one iv left and regular nebs, 60mg pred! i still feel rough and if i move around to much im gasping for breath but im breathing on my own and thats the greatest feeling!!! i have been pokef and proded and if i see one more needle i may scream, i am battered and bruised but on the positive i am alive and thats amazing! i am really tearful Tonight as i think i am just overwhelmed with everything. i am also in lots of pain so i just need to get on top of that! so hopefully tomorrow i will feel even better and then hopefully they will let me put early next week. i cant thank everyone that has looked after me this week, i am entirely grateful, i know its there jobs but actually everyone has gone above and beyond and given me the tlc i have needed, letting me sleep when i can and just being there when i have needed anything! also thankyou for all the lovely messages i have had!! 

Big changes

What a busy few weeks and some big changes in my life! It’s taken me some time to get my head round things but I’m getting there slowly.  Health wise things are ok, I’m better than I was and it seems the main problem as to why I wasn’t improving was this the pharmacist had given me 1mg steroid tablets and not 5mg tablets so I wasn’t getting the boost I needed. Things improved quite quickly after that! I just have normal grumpy lungs now!! Gallstones wise I finally have an appointment for the 5th October and cant wait for them to make a decision on taking the little blighters out!! I take pain killers like they are going out of fashion and nothing really works! Well that’s that bit done! I know me feeling poorly probably gets to people but I can assure you I deal with what I have going on the best i can, I don’t want sympathy but a bit of understanding would be great!!! 
So the big change in my life is work! Two weeks ago I found out that my job was being made redundant along with everyone in the same department in the company! I have never been so shocked, yes I cried a lot!!! I just didn’t see it coming! So two weeks later I’m still upset and feel let down but I’m getting my head around it! I have literally put my heart and sole in my job and always do extra stuff and I really cared about it and now it’s gone! I totally feel like a failure and a spare part at the moment. I know it will sort it’s self out. I am in post until the 30th October and I will be doing what I need to do but I have to confess my heart is not in it anymore I am just plodding along I guess! I have been offered a new job and it’s OK, it’s not ideal but I can make it work. I have to confess I am worried as it’s going to be a bit more physical and I don’t want my health to go back the way it does.  I have decided I will give it till christmas and then reassess the situation. I still have all my qualifications from my current job so I can always look for something that I can use that it! 

One other big thing is that I have applied and been accepted for my access to health course, I really want to do my nurse training and whilst I know I am a bit old! I am going to try this course and then make a decision. It’s is definetly going to keep me busy! I have ordered the books from amazon so got them really well priced and Pete has brought me one for my birthday . I am nervous and excited at the times.  I think when  I found out about my job I kind of thought that it was time to do something with my life and follow the path I want. We will see what happens.  I have some big hospital appointments coming up so I am going to talk to about them as I need my lungs to be in a little better shape so we will see. 

These last few days I have been feeling better in myself as at the beginning of the week I just kept bursting into tears and felt awful, I did go and see my gp and asked to go back on my antidepressant as I stopped it a few weeks ago and things haven’t been working so well. I am on the lowest dose but that tiny dose works for me. 

I have been feeling so like a failure for many reasons but I know only I can turn that around. I am going to be doing my old job for a while and I am so determined to do the best i can.

One more things I am really worried about a couple of people, they know who they are. They know I am here for them and will do anything for them but I just feel like I am not sure how I can help them the best. Pete is going through a horrible time and just want to wrap him up and tell him it will all be OK.  I know he will sort himself out eventually but I love him so much and hate seeing him hurt. 

I need to finish on a positive note, last week grandad had his 90th Birthday and we had a party for him! It was perfect. Lots of people came and he had a fab afternoon. 

Oh well I’m waffling now so best to stop!!!