Falling apart

So once again I haven’t updated this for ages but I guess its like a diary and its only when things build up do I have something to write.

Recently I have hit breaking point of what else can possibly go wrong with me.  Since starting Mepo injections I have had better control of my asthma (well no hospital admissions and I can control it better at home on my own),  but the side effects just seem to continue to get worse. The tiredness is unbelievable, its like complete exhaustion has hit me for a week after. This time the sickness was bad for a week after but stupidly I was being sick but didn’t take any extra steroids so ended up in a steroid crisis. Anyone that has been through this will know how horrid it makes you feel. Also I have horrible heart palpitations from the injections which are horrible and make me feel anxious and lightheaded at times.   This week has been pretty much wasted as I have achieved nothing apart from walk the dogs a couple of times.

My health is definitely having a real impact on my life, at home I am tired and grouchy and don’t feel the desire to do anything, at home I struggle to get out of bed everyday just to function basically. Even the simplest tasks seem impossible and take up more energy than you would ever believe. How would thinking having a shower would make you fall asleep after! I am not sure if I am actually depressed or just really frustrated by my limitations. I don’t feel sad, I don’t really feel anything as I am to bloody tired!

Everyone knows how much I love my job but its getting tougher to manage and I don’t know how to make it better. I let people down on a daily basis, my brain doesn’t seem to function properly and some days just doing simple tasks is a nightmare. I used to be so good at multi-tasking but now just the thought of it makes me panic. The problem is people are so used to me saying yes I will do it but in reality I then end up with a million things to do and then get in a panic about doing them which is where I am now!! I have a million and one things to do and no idea where to start. I spend hours just looking at bits of paper and not getting anywhere.

I have some amazing people around me, and I am very lucky to still have them as I am such a rubbish person in keeping in touch and letting people down. I have the dogs who make me smile everyday and make me get out of bed as they need me.

I don’t know what the future holds but all I do know is that I feel like my health is becoming a full-time job to manage just to basically function. I am awaiting some consultant appointments to see if there is anything they can suggest. I feel like I have lost some of my support networks in the medical field as I am looked after by a hospital far away, I would only go to my local if I was acutely unwell and whereas this situation is better I then have lost those support services. I feel a bit daft ringing them when I am not acutely unwell.

So do I have a plan, NO, I guess to plod as long as I can and do what I can.